


Being A Paladin Is Hard, Period.

by twentyonephilips



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 17:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twentyonephilips/pseuds/twentyonephilips
Summary: Pidge gets her period and no one knows what to do





	Being A Paladin Is Hard, Period.

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this: https://youtu.be/qQRCT-9_W5U

Hunk and Pidge were hanging on the couch in the castle's small lounge when Lance strutted in, bringing with him a tide of noisy energy. "Hey nerds, Party Lance is in the house!" He wooped, slumping onto the couch beside Pidge and disrupting their conversation. "What are you two talking about that's so secret? Are we gossipping about Keith? 'Cause I'm in."

"Actually Lance, we were talking about this Altean recipe I'm working on that's supposed to--"

"Nerd talk!" He interrupted, turning to Pidge. "This guy, am I right?" Pidge bristled as his arm slid around her shoulders. "It's all 'food this' and 'food that'. You should know I bring a lot more to the table than food. For starters, how about my dazzling good looks?"

Pidge removed his arm and huffed as she hid a smile, all too familiar with his antics. "I was actually interested to hear about this recipe that could potentially make someone fall in love. I figured you might want to know about it too, what with your luck and all."

Lance feigned a fasp, clutching his heart. "I'm wounded, Pidge. I'll have you know I have plenty of luck without help from some cheater's concoction! As for Hunk, I can understand the effort."

"Hey!" Hunk protested, reading into the light joke. "I think I remember you asking for a little help when you first met Allura. Something like 'Hey Hunk, you think there's a recipe to get Allura to fall for me?' Remember that?"

"That was a long time ago! I'm a changed man."

"That was two months ago."

"Exactly!"

Pidge rolled her eyes, grinning. Suddenly she started to feel a little uncomfortable, and started to stand up. "I'm gonna run to the bathroom."

They nodded at her, continuing their banter as she backed toward the bathroom, still partly facing them. "If you're such a changed man, then why haven't you gotten any alien ass yet?"

"It takes time, buddy! You gotta warm them up first."

"They must be freezing then, because it's sure taking a while."

"Whatever, I'll have a sweet alien babe in no time. You'll see."

"Alright Lance." He paused. "What's that?"

"What's what?" Hunk nodded to a red stain on the couch between them. "Oh, I don't know. Ketchup? Blood? Paint?"

Hunk hummed and leaned in closer to inspect it. "I don't know man. Seems pretty new."

"Don't tell me you spilled that damn jargleberry juice of Coran's on the couch. He said the stain never comes out!"

"I didn't spill anything, did you?" Hunk asked, peering at the spot.

"Of course not! Here, let me see." Lance looked closer at the stain and moved his hand to scratch at the fabric. Then he ducked his head to give it a cautious sniff. His nose wrinkled. "Yuck."

Pidge came back into the room, obviously distraught. "Uhh...guys, I--"

"Hunk spilled jargleberry juice on the couch. There's a big red stain!"

"I didn't spill it!"

"I--um, I need to go."

Lance frowned. "To do what? Mess around on your computer? Wouldn't you rather watch a movie with us?"

"Um...y-yeah! I-I'll just...I'll just watch it from back here." She slowly slid along the wall, pressing her back to it.

"That's cool, I like standing!" Lance stood and moved toward Pidge. "Whoaaahoahoho, Hunk spilled jargleberry juice on the wall too!" He pointed to the wall behind her, and she shuddered as she turned to look.

"Coran is gonna be so piiissed," Lance sang as Hunk protested.

Pidge panicked when she saw the red trail she had left behind. "Guys, I really need to go!"

Suddenly Keith walked in. "What are you idiots do--HOLY SHIT YOU'RE COVERED IN BLOOD. Oh my god!"

"Oh my god!" Pidge exclaimed, turning her back away from him.

"What?!" Lance ducked to look at her butt. "Oh my god!"

Keith gripped his hair in his hands. "Oh my god!"

"Oh my god you must have s-sat on a nail or something!" Hunk looked on the verge of tears.

"You idiot she's having her period!" Keith gestured at her.

"Ay, Dios mío," Lance wheezed into his hands.

"What do I do?!" Pidge shouted.

Keith's eyes grew wider, and his voice climbed higher. "You don't know what to do you've never had your period before?!"

"No, I haven't." She said testily.

"OH MY GOD GUYS SHE'S ALREADY LOST A LOT OF BLOOD!" Lance panicked.

Hunk sprung to action. "Okay! Umm, Allura's gotta have some tampons around here somewhere right??" He began searching through drawers.

"We don't even know if that's how Altean biology works!" Keith said.

"Nyyyoh my god this is not happening," Pidge breathed.

Lance looked up from where he was tearing apart the couch cushions. "FUCK you are WAY smaller than Allura there's no way they're gonna fit you!" He yelled, gesturing wildly.

"Look, I'm just gonna go find Shiro!"

"Nnnononono, you can't walk in your condition, silly! GUYS HURRY!" Hunk called.

Keith yelled from the kitchen, "There's just pans and cooking utensils I don't know what the fuck you want me to do!" He threw a towel out to her while Lance tore at his hair and stared at the lost remote in his hand, panic all over his face.

Just then Shiro walked in, having heard the commotion on his way back from the training room. "Guys, guys, what are you--Pidge you don't look so good, are you okay?"

"Shiro, help us!" Lance cried.

"We're just gonna have to plug it up!" Keith said desperately. "I found this, and this!" He shrugged, holding up a drain plug and plastic bag.

Shiro held up his signature Space Dad Hand™️. "Alright, what's going on here?"

"Uhhh Pidge is on her period for the first time and she's bleeding everywhere," Hunk said, motioning around the room.

Shiro's eyebrows shot up and his face drained of color. "Um, congratulations Pidge." He forced the Space Dad Smile™.

Lance's jaw dropped. "Congratulations?! SHE'S BLEEDING TO DEATH!"

"Oh my god my stomach hurts," Pidge grimaced.

"SHE'S HAVING CONTRACTIONS!" Lance screamed.

Hunk dove for the intercom as Keith and Lance continued searching frantically. "ALLURA?" His voice sounding through the castle. "PIDGE IS BLEEDING OUT OF HER VAGINA!"

"Hunk! Lance! Listen!" Shiro began.

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?!" Hunk's voice cracked while Allura's burst of laughter exploded through the intercom.

Shiro took a deep breath. "It's just, it's th-the lining of Pidge's...internal organs, just spilling out of her," he tried to explain.

Hunk's face turned pale and he took off towards the bathroom, presumably to puke. Lance looked like he'd have a heart attack, wheezing and muttering things in Spanish, including "el diablo" and "Dios ayudanos".

He couldn't have phrased that in a worse way, Shiro supposed.

Pidge broke through the noise. "Look, I'm not dying!"

Keith ran in from the kitchen. "I got frozen peas and a sponge!"

"This is not happening," Pidge cried.

"It's just a normal part of being a girl," Shiro tried.

"WHAT?!" Lance exclaimed.

Hunk's voice came from the bathroom. "Know what? I got the perfect thing!" He came back out holding something on a rod as tall as he was. "Maxi pad on a stick!"

Pidge began to grab fistfuls of her hair. "Ohhh my god I wanna kill myself!"

Coran walked in, oblivious to the situation. "Greeting paladins! I hope I'm not--oh! Quiznak, what kind of sick prankster would squash a large jargleberry on Pidge's pants?"

Realization dawned on Lance's face. "Ohhhh. Of course! It was Keith, wasn't it?"

"You idiot, no one pranked anybody!"

"Oh yeah, mullet?"

"Don't call me that," Keith said, stepping forward to force his palms into Lance's chest.

Lance looked at his chest and back to Keith. "You touching me?" He gave a push back.

"Yeah." Keith shoved his hands against Lance's shoulders.

"You touching me?" Lance repeated with a shove.

"Yeah!" He pushed.

"You did NOT just--let's go!"

"Let's go dumbass!" The two boys started an all-out fight and the room erupted into chaos. Shiro and Hunk rushed to break them up, yelling and prying them apart.

"HEY! SHUT UP!" Pidge shouted. Everyone stopped and was quiet, listening.

"Look, I'm just a regular 14 year old girl getting my period, and it really sucks that it had to be in front of all you idiots. Shiro, call Allura and tell her to meet me at my room." She looked at each of them in turn, then shuffled out of the room.

Coran looked thoughtful. "She has her...period?"

Shiro nodded solemnly.

"Well I suppose we could make a quick stop at the Space Mall for supplies, as Alteans' menstrual cycles work a bit...differently." With that he slipped out the door.

"The vagina is WAY too complicated," Lance declared.

"Yeah, no shit," Keith replied.

"Well, I'm starving. I'll go make dinner and then we can chow down." Hunk headed to the kitchen.

Lance pointed finger guns after him and followed. "Yes!"

Shiro quickly notified Allura that Pidge was expecting her. Exhausted from a long day of being Space Dad™, he flopped himself onto the couch for a well-deserved nap. That was, until Keith gave him a heads-up about the fresh stain underneath him and he decided the bed sounded pretty good.

The End.


End file.
